Darkness

With the brightness outside,
Comes the darkness within me,
Not the darkness that I crave,
Nor the darkness that I love.
It is not the darkness of the Night
That embraces and comforts me.

This darkness inside is suffocating,
Stripping away my confidence,
Choking my life force.
It is a void and nothingness,
An emptiness that consumes me.

Ocean

I stood on an empty beach,
my soul full of longing,
my heart devoid of feelings,
and my mind endlessly searching.

The ocean saw me there
and reached out to me.
The waves came closer
and crashed onto the beach,
just out of reach.

He came close,
so that he could caress me.
He wanted to soothe me,
although he knew he should not.
He wished to embrace me,
but he knew it was futile.

In the end,
we met halfway,
the ocean and I.
We knew our love could not be.
Yet we were meant to be.
We plunged
Into the depth in each other’s arms.

Truth Time

It has been over a month since I last made an entry to this blog.
And I’ve realized why…

Initially this blog started out as a place to express myself,
About things that I cannot do anywhere else.

Hence this blog site has nothing that ties back to my so-called real life.

Yet I should have known what would happen…

Basically, the blog that was supposed to be my dear and close expression of myself became remote and distant
As that’s my coping mechanism with life.

I fill every aspect of my life with intellectual and distracting pursuits so that I don’t have to feel.

So that’s what I did here.

I wrote a poem to distract myself, then wrote another and filled more than half of this blog with them,
Which in itself is not a bad thing.
Poems are an expression of one’s soul, no?

But then I am not composed of poems
And as I felt like this is what the site now needed to be,
I simply stopped writing…

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder

From Mayo Clinic (also DSM-5)

Symptoms of depersonalization include:

  • Feelings that you’re an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body — for example, as if you were floating in air above yourself
  • Feeling like a robot or that you’re not in control of your speech or movements
    The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
  • Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
  • A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories

Symptoms of derealization include:

  • Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings — for example, like you’re living in a movie or a dream
  • Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall
  • Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
  • Distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
    Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects

One wonders…
Is it that you have a disorder or is it just that you are not really there?

A week after lost resolution…

How fast the positive resolution falls flat. It has been close to a week since my first and last post about trying to keep things positive. In fact, I had gone downhill since that last post. I’ve been seeking more and more the non-work, non-school non-reality. I wonder if this is what addiction feels like? I am seeing a relief from this world by falling into a fictional world, escape from all, including my loving husband. I voice my emotions, and I voice my distress, but I am not connecting.

I continue to live in the world because I have been doing it, going through the motions. I seem to go on due to inertia of all that I had built up within me over the years. I have not built up anything in the last year or so. I keep reaching for the person that used to be me, but now is perhaps only an imprint of my former self.

Will this make me happy?

So someone told me starting a day with some goals and thankful thoughts would cheer me up and I tried. Was it successful? I am not sure…

9:36 a.m.
Current status:
Feeling disconnected, still in a dream state, but working, still feeling little under the weather with slight unhappy throat

Goals to work towards:
– Work on Persian, Russian 15 min every other day (let’s start here)
– Write a paragraph of my story every other day (this would need work)
– Write blog at least once a week (off to a good start here)

What I’m thankful for:
– I have a lovely place to live
– I have a loving partner
– I have a good life