Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder

From Mayo Clinic (also DSM-5)

Symptoms of depersonalization include:

  • Feelings that you’re an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body — for example, as if you were floating in air above yourself
  • Feeling like a robot or that you’re not in control of your speech or movements
    The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
  • Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
  • A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories

Symptoms of derealization include:

  • Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings — for example, like you’re living in a movie or a dream
  • Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall
  • Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
  • Distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
    Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects

One wonders…
Is it that you have a disorder or is it just that you are not really there?

Leaf

Red,
Yellow,
Brown.
The leaves cover the ground like the snow.
Instead of pure white,
the world is covered in colors.

Do I wish to fly with the wind?
Or do I wish to soak into the earth?
Or perhaps I can remain,
and be the companion to the tree.

I can feel the loneliness,
of one who had stood alone for hundreds of years.
Yet the adventure calls me,
the world is full of wonders that I seek.

So I fly away,
and follow my dreams,
but I leave a piece of myself.

I will never be truly apart from my love…

Can we die from lack of creative outlet?

So it is now past 11 pm at night.
And I am obviously tired, my brain is shot.
I spent all day working, then some exercise, some social time with a friend, then several hours of school work.

So the secret to NOT letting chronic stress get to you is doing what I am doing: 1. exercise, 2. socialize, 3. learn new things, and 4. meditate (well, I can sort of say I combine this with my exercise. Don’t ask me to meditate, consequences may be dire).

So why is there no mention of creativity?
There is no advice about “one must have a least one creative activity”.

Why do I ask?
Because I am suffocating from utter lack of creative outlet. I’ve created a life, a prison, that is full of what I need that I ignore the one thing that I most need. I hold onto all things that enables me to not feel and make excuses for myself. Yet at the same time my inner self is shriveling from the lack of care.

You ask why I continue like this?
If I knew…well, perhaps I do know. Isn’t it so much easier to avoid than face who you really are? I have been running away from it all my life.

Ocean

I stood on an empty beach,
my soul full of longing,
my heart devoid of feelings,
and my mind endlessly searching.
The ocean saw me there
and reached out to me.
The waves came closer
and crashed onto the beach,
just out of reach.
He came close,
so that he could caress me.
He wanted to soothe me,
although he knew he should not.
He wished to embrace me,
but he knew it was futile.

In the end,
we met halfway,
the ocean and I.

We knew our love could not be.
Yet we were meant to be.
We plunged Into the depth
in each other’s arms.

Dream and reality

I dreamt of a lovely little cafe, a mountain inn, and a chance meeting with a man.
Was he a man of man dreams? I am not sure.
Sometimes I wish to not wake up from my dreams, completely lose touch with reality.
My dreams are often not as nice as the one I had last night. Quite often it is full of something chasing me, of not feeling quite safe.
Yet I feel more like myself in my dreams than in my reality.
I have a good life, a comfortable living, a loving partner.
What do I seek?
I feel so detached from a loving partner, I feel like I am in an imposter’s life.

Still, I find myself getting up each day, pushing my dreams aside…

Night time

I am a night owl. 

I am most profoundly connected to myself just before sunset to early morning hours. Those are my most precious hours for me. Yet I often ignore the siren call of the night. Some might ask why? The obvious answer is that real life intrudes. To function during the day, I must often ignore my night hours. I must turn away from my love of the night. I sometimes rebel against normalcy at the expense of being a zombie during the day. Yet I fear one day my will power will crumble and I will finally embrace the darkness. Would that be so bad? Why do I resist?

Vice

What are vices?
A little too many glasses of wine?
A little too much chocolate cake?
A stolen cigarette?

Or perhaps something more destructive
such as addiction
to substances, gambling, thrill seeking…

What are my vices?
One who is allergic to alcohol, smoking,
and can’t seem make any of the normal vice stick?

Well, I still have a vice,
one that is utterly destructive.
I escape.
I dissociate.
I utterly cut myself off from reality,
into solace I find in my fictional world,
or in any fictional world.

I shun reality like a plague
and I wish to live in dreams
and surrounded by melancholy
where I find utter solace.