Truth Time

It has been over a month since I last made an entry to this blog.
And I’ve realized why…

Initially this blog started out as a place to express myself,
About things that I cannot do anywhere else.

Hence this blog site has nothing that ties back to my so-called real life.

Yet I should have known what would happen…

Basically, the blog that was supposed to be my dear and close expression of myself became remote and distant
As that’s my coping mechanism with life.

I fill every aspect of my life with intellectual and distracting pursuits so that I don’t have to feel.

So that’s what I did here.

I wrote a poem to distract myself, then wrote another and filled more than half of this blog with them,
Which in itself is not a bad thing.
Poems are an expression of one’s soul, no?

But then I am not composed of poems
And as I felt like this is what the site now needed to be,
I simply stopped writing…

A week after lost resolution…

How fast the positive resolution falls flat. It has been close to a week since my first and last post about trying to keep things positive. In fact, I had gone downhill since that last post. I’ve been seeking more and more the non-work, non-school non-reality. I wonder if this is what addiction feels like? I am seeing a relief from this world by falling into a fictional world, escape from all, including my loving husband. I voice my emotions, and I voice my distress, but I am not connecting.

I continue to live in the world because I have been doing it, going through the motions. I seem to go on due to inertia of all that I had built up within me over the years. I have not built up anything in the last year or so. I keep reaching for the person that used to be me, but now is perhaps only an imprint of my former self.

Will this make me happy?

So someone told me starting a day with some goals and thankful thoughts would cheer me up and I tried. Was it successful? I am not sure…

9:36 a.m.
Current status:
Feeling disconnected, still in a dream state, but working, still feeling little under the weather with slight unhappy throat

Goals to work towards:
– Work on Persian, Russian 15 min every other day (let’s start here)
– Write a paragraph of my story every other day (this would need work)
– Write blog at least once a week (off to a good start here)

What I’m thankful for:
– I have a lovely place to live
– I have a loving partner
– I have a good life